need your opinion

[jlee762000]

Hey I am trying to keep writing and develop my skills and this is another lil diddy i came up with and was wondering if you all coul offer advice as to where i could go with this thought cuz i am at the moment brain fried as to where to keep going...........JON

The darkness fell too soon
Crushed in all round you
turned your lips a dark shade of blue
pulled the light from your eyes

Blankly staring toward the heavens
Wondering what could've been
A cold chills you to the bone
no place to call your own

[mangold]

and...

im blue n' dabba dee dabba die
dabba dee dabba die
n' dabba dee dabba die
dabba dee dabba die

its hard to add to lyrics with no pattern or rythm... post a recording