My first posting of an original - "Neptune Summer"

[Appfro]

In case that wasn't clear at all, it was the noise reduction filter that made my voice sound like that. I usually have a fairly strong voice. </conceitedness>

ok. i generally do not read any posts/comments before i listen to the song so i can give completely original thoughts. that is a common practice here, so don't get upset if you have to explain yourself a couple of times

[mangold]

In case that wasn't clear at all, it was the noise reduction filter that made my voice sound like that. I usually have a fairly strong voice. </conceitedness>

some static is better than a nasaly, throaty voice.

[TimmyJ4140]

True story. I'm so incredibly anal retentive though, and usually it's not that bad, it barely affects the vocals at all. Anyhoo, I'm gonna re-write and re-record with a decent cable, so I won't have to filter it that much. Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a perfecdtionist in terms of sound quality.

[Appfro]

True story. I'm so incredibly anal retentive though, and usually it's not that bad, it barely affects the vocals at all. Anyhoo, I'm gonna re-write and re-record with a decent cable, so I won't have to filter it that much. Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a perfecdtionist in terms of sound quality.

perfectionists....does not equal bad

[TimmyJ4140]

Yeah, that's true, I'm glad I'm so anal when it comes to quality and mixing and stuff, which is why I always get such a positive response to the music of my recordings. Lyrically . . . . ehh, I'm workin' on it. I'll reach your level someday Mitch. It's something to shoot for.

[lyrics101]

IF YOU DO VOCAL WARM-UPS, NO NEED TO READ.

Stand up straight. Wrap your arms around your chest and grab your shoulder blades (if you can; if not, estime. I'm bony and skinny as shit, so it's not a problem.)

Don't scrunch your shoulders.

Inhale big (low breathing; into your stomach), and on the exhale rotate to the right. DON'T turn your hips at all. Just twist on your spine. Lead with your head. Inhale again, and on the exhale, stretch just a little bit further.

Inhale back to center. Repeat to the other side. Come back to the middle.

With your hands still grabbing your shoulderblades (relax those shoulders, dammit!), let your upper body drop down and just hang. Nod your head, shake your head. Make sure it's relaxed. Breathe; you should feel it stretching out your lower a/o upper back. Now let your head drop, and just hum. Hum, hum, hum. You should feel your lips vibrating, and then, if your completely relaxed the vibration will travel through all of your sinuses, upper back and chest, lower back and stomach. If you can achieve that, you're using all of your reverberators.

Secondly, you're singing with your "sing-songy voice", as I like to call it. Each person has a primal sound; that's what you want to sing with. If you just blurt out a hard, harsh laugh like Bert in "Mary Poppins": BAH!!! That's the sound; that's the voice you should be singing with.

The three most common unrelieved areas of tension: The sinus around the eyelids and the bridge of the nose; the temples (yes, the temples, which lead into the eyelids); and the mouth. The lips, tongue (and especially) the jaw have more tension than Devil knows what to do with. If your jaw is totally relaxed, you should be able to fit two fingers, positioned vertically, into it. Ask any porn store for advice on relaxing it. I say massage it. You can massage the tongue by going under the jaw, to that soft, fleshy part, and working it slightly. As for the temples: there's a reason that when we get migraines, we go for the temples. Nerve endings that have built up tension, I guess. Regardless, it should never take more physical effort to get louder when you sing. It should only take more air. And yet, we think we have to push; it's ridiculous.

People tend not to relax their tongue, so it archs up and blocks the flow of air. Any time you speak or sing a vowel (and every time you hold a note, it's a vowel), the tongue should fall down in the mouth, relaxed, touching the back of the lower teeth oh-so slightly.

And remember what that teacher at NYU once said at a Broadway audition for some Tisch kids: "Vibratto is expressive, not communicative. And when you sing, you want to communicate. It's hard to hold a note when it's flat-lined, so I guess if you feel yourself going off-pitch, you can think about going to your vibratto."

[TimmyJ4140]

Always solid stuff from you lyrics101, thanks for takin' the time, I appreciate it.

[TimmyJ4140]

So here are some slightly re-worked lyrics, I'm still workin' on them, so give it time, but if we could forget the recording for a bit, any critiques of the actual lyrics would be greatly appreciated.

Neptune Summer - Tim J.

Hear her calling, don't know which way to turn
Light is failing, won't forget what I've learned
Time has passed on, so for now, let's just cry
The summer's fading, I just can't say goodbye

Chorus:
Neptune summer's at an end, and falling fast is my heart
Quiet words that go unsaid, I feel it's just the start
Neptune summer's fading fast, and I just can't hold on
That summer life I dreamed for so long, Neptune summer's gone away

She's smilin' at me, the angel in her eyes
calling to me, let's fly across the skies
let's leave it all behind, we can fly into the night
the darkness folds around me, I turn and say goodbye.

chorus
solo

Bridge:
Silent words and unseen looks, I just can't believe that
Eight years thrown away, I never guessed this could be true
It lays behind us now, there's nothing we can do
Suppose we could turn back time, would you still be mine?

outro

Thanks in advance fellas.

[lyrics101]

Hear her calling, don't know which way to turn
Light is failing, won't forget what I've learned
Time has passed on, so for now, let's just cry
The summer's fading, I just can't say goodbye

"And I can't say goodbye" adds a little rythmic pattern with the A sounds, and it'll be easier to sing. The first sentence of this flows pretty well.

Chorus:
Neptune summer's at an end, and falling fast is my heart
Quiet words that go unsaid, I feel it's just the start
Neptune summer's fading fast, and I just can't hold on
That summer life I dreamed for so long, Neptune summer's gone away

I like the "quiet words." Q is is an usual letter, in that it requires three individual movements of the mouth, including a pull, as in the word "awl", that flows well into the "wo" of "words". Think of playing with this throughout the remainder of that phrase.

The repetition on the last line is too much. "Summer life... neptune's summer." There's no need to reiterate summer, and it serves no rhythmic function lyrically. It's like when writing prose; unless it serves a purpose (such as starting a sentence with And draws attention to that sentence, and therefore using a conjuction there serves a purpose), you should never use the same word to start two consecutive sentences. It seems mundane to the reader; just look at some high school book reports, or any COO report at an accounting office.

She's smilin' at me, the angel in her eyes
calling to me, let's fly across the skies
let's leave it all behind, we can fly into the night
the darkness folds around me, I turn and say goodbye.

Angel immediately leads us to assume an allusion to flying will follow, and flying does the same into the word skies. It's an obvious rhyme, and while not bad, causes the listener/reader to loose attention. I know you're capable of more than that; try to surprise us.

In this note, make declarative statements (not too often). Damien singing "What I want from you" is much more grabbing than "I'd like it if you" or "It'd be nice if you." You're singing in the Chorus: "I feel it's just the start." IT IS THE START grabs a listener much more, because it's a declarative statement. These are your emotions your debating; don't be a polite debater. Be a lawyer in the courtroom. You don't feel it; this IS it. Throw it on the listener; they can take it. They want it.

It's why the simple line (and I allude to this song so much because I just saw the tabulator thread on it): FUCK YOU works so well as a chorus in Rootless Tree.

Below is the bridge: you never guessed this could be true? No. This isn't true. Fuck that. It can't be true. It is? Shit. That's fucked up.

Take us all the way, man. Yes, you never guessed it could be true, but it is. Now how do you react to that? Sad? Pissed? Depressed? Take it all the way. Feel it to its fullest, because that feeling is the fact, and then state it as a fact. In a song like this, it's that reaction that the audience wants to hear, read, and feel.

chorus
solo

Bridge:
Silent words and unseen looks, I just can't believe that
Eight years thrown away, I never guessed this could be true
It lays behind us now, there's nothing we can do
Suppose we could turn back time, would you still be mine?

outro

[TimmyJ4140]

You're a sick man lyrics. Thanks a ton, I appreciate it. I've never had anyone dissect my lyrics before, everyone just shrugs them off and says "Yeah, that's a good song," with no criticism whatsoever.



Not you guys, you guys are very critical. My "real life" peeps don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

[lyrics101]

You're a sick man lyrics. Thanks a ton, I appreciate it. I've never had anyone dissect my lyrics before, everyone just shrugs them off and says "Yeah, that's a good song," with no criticism whatsoever.



Not you guys, you guys are very critical. My "real life" peeps don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

If the existence of a board like this, of a community of any sort, even online, is to be worthwhile (especially in the fields of arts and sciences), it should result in everyone being just a little bit better at what they do. And that's what I'm trying to accomplish. We've got to push each other.

It's not a matter of "Is this song my style, in the vein of music that I enjoy to listen to?" but of "Is the songwriter accomplishing what he intended to accomplish?"

If we can help each other do that, we're on to something.

[TimmyJ4140]

True story man. Thanks again.