help with these lyrics again

jlee762000 · Post by **jlee762000** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 12:43 pm

hey ya'll i am taking another shot at writing again based on all the great advice yall gave me in the past.......please critique....

Rain clouds coming in
Bright sun turns to grey
Another round of dark again
Every step along the way

Finding me here
in the down pouring rain
wishing you could
take away all my pain

CHorus
so lift me up
(come) carry me away
so lift me up
this i hope and pray

light fills your room
a warmth in you find
is hope in me you ask
i'll prove it in time

Outro
Alone again
Alone
Again
with the
cold downpour
rain

Tranman66 · Post by **Tranman66** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 1:47 pm

lyrics is not that simple. a poem is easy to write. but lyrics you have to sing it. So you got a melody with that?

jlee762000 · Post by **jlee762000** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 2:01 pm

Yes i do...i am using the following chords:

G, G/F, Cadd9 over and over again i will throw in some hammer ons with the high e string in the 2nd fret.

i am working on a chorus

Tranman66 · Post by **Tranman66** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 3:12 pm

great, your lyrics is fine, nothing amazing, but fine. record it, see whats its like.

jlee762000 · Post by **jlee762000** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 3:17 pm

any suggestions as to what lyrically i could do better?

Tranman66 · Post by **Tranman66** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 9:58 pm

dont force writing it, write the unexpected, dont be too poetic.

gumbomadness · Post by **gumbomadness** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:00 pm

use a big word ... like how dave uses BEREAVED in jimi thing. Woo.. man bereaved.

Swe dmbfan · Post by **Swe dmbfan** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:19 pm

jlee762000 wrote:any suggestions as to what lyrically i could do better?

if we help you it wont be your lyrics..

gumbomadness · Post by **gumbomadness** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:26 pm

add one more stanza bub. Mix up your chords when you sing that stanza and make it a bridge... know what i mean?

seanbryantkbq · Post by **seanbryantkbq** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:46 pm

i think its not the lyrics so much as it is the emotion, i think there good, not amazing, but that will come with time. keep em coming.

jlee762000 · Post by **jlee762000** » Wed Dec 08, 2004 1:27 pm

any more suggestions...i really like this song...i know i need to imrpove and i really appreciate the feed back...jon

EnFuego · Post by **EnFuego** » Thu Dec 09, 2004 1:11 am

don't worry so much about rhyming. You have some good stuff there, but it seems like your trying to do rhyming poetry. That being said, I like this song (seems a little short), but keep at it and keep writing. Good job.