Amateur songwriting, up for critique...

Tranman66 · Post by **Tranman66** » Thu Nov 25, 2004 10:18 pm

yup, compare to you, some of the songs up on this board.. i suck lol.. but i find the courage to post it, so i can get better. sorry about my voice...

this is a draft. my pick got into a weird position half of the song lol. so..

lol here it is

http://www.angelfire.com/me5/kmt/

Tranman66 · Post by **Tranman66** » Thu Nov 25, 2004 10:19 pm

lyrics:

No reason

here by the rain
standing beneath the bleak sky
outside your door
regreting how we say goodbye

Baby, why did we give up so early
Baby, come out to shower the rain with me
for all to see us together

one day i was dancing with you
sharing memories of eternity
chasing our life, passing by
only you to see, the world we're in

Together we were
under the light of day
everything was right but then
i know i was wrong, nothing to say

oh pretty lady
casting your spell reflecting me
putting me away under a mist of fear
your silence leave me to wonder

Baby if only you would lift my blues
Baby if only you would reason with me
let me see a spark of your eyes
oh pretty lady

Tranman66 · Post by **Tranman66** » Thu Nov 25, 2004 11:43 pm

Happy Turkey Day!

smedley · Post by **smedley** » Thu Nov 25, 2004 11:55 pm

pretty sweet! i like the lyrics...

one thing i'd do is take away that echo behind the vocals, it makes it sound a little bad...

ummm, im not sure if your in a band or anything so that you can add stuff, but if your not, maybe add a little more to the guitar riff or possibly add another guitar because in my opinion the the guitar seems kinda boring... maybe change chords for some verses...

singing needs a little more improvement, keep practicing at it and you'll get better

other than that it sounds like a fun song to play!

mangold · Post by **mangold** » Fri Nov 26, 2004 12:19 pm

the reverb screws up the lyrics... and welcome to the "non-singers club". but as far as songwriting goes its solid. maybe an assload less trebble on the guitar part, the way it is now kinda makes me cringe. the guitar needs to be less repetitive. but as far as writing goes this works! keep posting! (im a hippocrate)

Tranman66 · Post by **Tranman66** » Fri Nov 26, 2004 1:02 pm

praisedave wrote:the reverb screws up the lyrics... and welcome to the "non-singers club". but as far as songwriting goes its solid. maybe an assload less trebble on the guitar part, the way it is now kinda makes me cringe. the guitar needs to be less repetitive. but as far as writing goes this works! keep posting! (im a hippocrate)

yeah thanks for the comments. i have come up with different things in between verse and chorus.