lyrics

[byahplayer]

staring over the ledge
i see a void of grey and blue
i see a hillside so familliar
i see the life id lead with you

I see a bright light on a sailboat
on an ocean tossed and turned
i se the face i wonce remembered
i see it watch the island burn

Wandering deep
into the ocean of life
with a ray of sunshine on my shoulders
and a drop of you in my heart

I look into the glass
filled with deep blue water
pour it into the ocean
so that she might not swim alone

I watch it flow into a river
on a contenent unknown
watch it pour right over your heart
like a waterfall thats a safe passage home

Swimming to the top
I see a different life ahead of me
and if i follow the flow of the river
i know ill end up where im meant to be

Wandering deep
into the ocean of life
with a ray of sunshine on my shoulders
and a drop of you in my heartv



i need all the comments i can get its my friends tune

[ticohans]

Good imagery, solid metaphor. There are a few lines that make me tilt my head to the side and go "huh?" Most specifically the "I see it watch the island burn." This line is unclear. It sounds like there are maybe two independent clauses here? If so, I'd suggest more separation. Also, you have a great rhythm going at the beginning, and you nicely fall in and out of iambic verse. Unfortunately that kind of falls apart at the end, but without the music, it's hard to tell whether or not that works. Sometimes, just with the melody and rhythm, it's fine for that to happen. Other times, the slide in rhythm at the end of a song has more to do with the difficulty that there is in closing out a song. Anyway, that's just a first impression, I might give some more feedback later.

[byahplayer]

Thanks alot thats the kinda stuff i needed to hear a lil support and a lil critquing.Hopefully i can record a copy fo soon .for watch the island burn im using like the ocean and on a sail boat as a metaphor of like life bring hard and watching the island burn is like that was your destination and now you cant get there

[Brock]

I think he was referring to that line in a grammatical sense.

"I see it watch the island burn" is actually composed of two independent clauses placed together (which you can't technically do). Perhaps a typo ?

[byahplayer]

hm you guys are right gramaticially it doesnt work, but for now i guess we will leave it until we can think of something to replace it

[firedancer86]

Daves lines are not always right gramatically...just a thought that as long as the point gets across, it doesn't need to be perfect...I like it the way it is...it sounds good in my opinion

[ticohans]

Yeah, I'd agree to not worry about the GRAMMAR that much. You're allowed to toy with it: it's poetic liscence. However, it does seem to me that you want what you are saying to be clear, and I don't think that line is. Sometimes there are lines that are unclear in their meaning because they are puposefully vague and open, and others are unclear because the metaphor in them is just so obtuse. I didn't get the feel that this was the case for that line. If that was the effect you were going for, I'd say that it needs a little reworking as it sounds forced somehow.

[ticohans]

another question: do you want to say "I see the face I once remembered?" Because if you do, it's great. I just was curious if that's what you mean to say.

[byahplayer]

Author Message
ticohans Posted: Wed Jan 15, 2003 12:04 am Post subject:

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another question: do you want to say "I see the face I once remembered?" Because if you do, it's great. I just was curious if that's what you mean to say.
yeah thats what i mean to say i just cant type as you saw with my grammar mispelling?. And i agree i do think that some parts of it are vague as to what were trying to express. Thats one of the reasons i posted it here. Thanks for all the advice/critiscism/compliments keep em coming