Cricket's First Original

cave_cricket · Unread post by **cave_cricket** » Tue Feb 25, 2003 6:18 pm

Ok..I said I was going to do this for a long time now. This is an origianl by myself.

I feel it's kinda rough and hope you guys can tell where I could patch it up.

I'm not too fond of the lyrics but I could change them at any point...I just needed something to finish.

So here you are....enjoy!

http://cave_cricket.tripod.com/

eclektik_rhythmz · Unread post by **eclektik_rhythmz** » Tue Feb 25, 2003 6:31 pm

ok man i just checked out your tune and here is my critique...

the music is cool. I really like your verse riff got some good quality there. but i think the chorus needs to be reworked a bit b/c not until near 3:00 does the time signature change at all. i think your chorus could benefit with a little more emphasis in segments.

ok the vocals i feel are flat and really have no life but have the makings of being on the money. WORK, WORK WORK.
AS FOR THE LYRICS i think u should scrap em... the reason is your trying to squeeze to much content in. Try shorter lines b/c i can hear it in parts but then you drag them on. Maybe brighten them up its a little mumbled but sounds depressing.

Just my opinion but overall good for a devloping tune!
Check out my originals and post on my link a few back
the link to the songs is ...
http://www.nowhereradio.com/artists/alb ... 31&alid=-1

Cheers,
J.T.

Keep the originals coming!!!!!

cave_cricket · Unread post by **cave_cricket** » Tue Feb 25, 2003 6:40 pm

eclektik_rhythmz wrote:ok man i just checked out your tune and here is my critique...

the music is cool. I really like your verse riff got some good quality there. but i think the chorus needs to be reworked a bit b/c not until near 3:00 does the time signature change at all. i think your chorus could benefit with a little more emphasis in segments.

ok the vocals i feel are flat and really have no life but have the makings of being on the money. WORK, WORK WORK.
AS FOR THE LYRICS i think u should scrap em... the reason is your trying to squeeze to much content in. Try shorter lines b/c i can hear it in parts but then you drag them on. Maybe brighten them up its a little mumbled but sounds depressing.

Just my opinion but overall good for a devloping tune!
Check out my originals and post on my link a few back
the link to the songs is ...
http://www.nowhereradio.com/artists/alb ... 31&alid=-1

Cheers,
J.T.

Keep the originals coming!!!!!

Thanks for the input.

I know my voice is bad. I've had no training with it so I'm doing it on my own.

I'll work on something for the chorus.

Peace,

DustyDave · Unread post by **DustyDave** » Tue Feb 25, 2003 6:45 pm

As for the guitar parts , its great , i would say though , that the vocals should be a bit lighter , they seem to dark (imo) , overall i liked it though

juineaux · Unread post by **juineaux** » Tue Feb 25, 2003 6:49 pm

Your voice is bad????
No it is not!
I love your voice. If you play daves voice to alot of vocal pros(?) they would probably say that he needs alot of work, but you cant really measure emotion, feeling and just a cool tone. blah, blah, I love your voice!

This is probably one of the best songs Ive ever heard on here, seriously. I personally like the lyrics, even though they sound very personal. I would make a couple of little adjustments to the lyrics, but the main theme is great. Write more songs now!!! I want to hear more-

cave_cricket · Unread post by **cave_cricket** » Tue Feb 25, 2003 6:51 pm

juineaux wrote:Your voice is bad????
No it is not!
I love your voice. If you play daves voice to alot of vocal pros(?) they would probably say that he needs alot of work, but you cant really measure emotion, feeling and just a cool tone. blah, blah, I love your voice!

This is probably one of the best songs Ive ever heard on here, seriously. I personally like the lyrics, even though they sound very personal. I would make a couple of little adjustments to the lyrics, but the main theme is great. Write more songs now!!! I want to hear more-

Thanks. I appreciate it. I'm planning on getting some vocal lessons when school is out so I can get better.

Where would you say that the lyrics need work? I would like to know so I can figure out what works and what doesn't....

Peace,

juineaux · Unread post by **juineaux** » Tue Feb 25, 2003 6:57 pm

Just to tell you I downloaded this, so i really like it.
and again, you dont really need any help on the vocals-

for the lyrics, i would try to ryhyme a little less, sometimes too much ryhming can be annoying(man im really bad at spelling rhymying?)

Dont use the word shit. Theres nothing really wrong with using shit in a rock song, but this is more of a folk/pop song and it really donst fit the style or mood.

cave_cricket · Unread post by **cave_cricket** » Tue Feb 25, 2003 7:03 pm

juineaux wrote:Just to tell you I downloaded this, so i really like it.
and again, you dont really need any help on the vocals-

for the lyrics, i would try to ryhyme a little less, sometimes too much ryhming can be annoying(man im really bad at spelling rhymying?)

Dont use the word shit. Theres nothing really wrong with using shit in a rock song, but this is more of a folk/pop song and it really donst fit the style or mood.

I thought swearing would catch some attention. :lol:

ticohans · Unread post by **ticohans** » Tue Feb 25, 2003 7:06 pm

cave, i'll d/l it when i get home and give you a good critique, but just about the swearing thing, i will say this, even without listening to it. 9999999999999 times out of 10000000000000, swearing in a song is a cop out. it's usually cheap and not well placed within the song, and while getting attention is good, one doesn't want to draw attention in the wrong way, and usually swearing does that in music. swearing is more often than not an excuse to not write lyrics that actually mean something

cave_cricket · Unread post by **cave_cricket** » Tue Feb 25, 2003 7:15 pm

ticohans wrote:cave, i'll d/l it when i get home and give you a good critique, but just about the swearing thing, i will say this, even without listening to it. 9999999999999 times out of 10000000000000, swearing in a song is a cop out. it's usually cheap and not well placed within the song, and while getting attention is good, one doesn't want to draw attention in the wrong way, and usually swearing does that in music. swearing is more often than not an excuse to not write lyrics that actually mean something

I feel that is wan't jsut to get attentino like I said. I feel that I used it in a way that I wanted to represent what I wanted to say. The line is "wipe that shit from off you chin, that your lies put there" I wanted it to represent the lies and bullshit that come out of peole's mouths everyday.

So. I am not a good writer. It's the hardest part for me.

I still thinkyou should listen before bashing it. You may not agree with me or you might. (I know the odds are against me :lol:

)

Peace,

firedancer86 · Unread post by **firedancer86** » Tue Feb 25, 2003 10:57 pm

Cool tune man...if you work on the vocals and get a band jamming to it, that would sound real cool...definitely has potential if it was shapened up a little more...I like the (when will we wake up) part...good tune, and kudos goes to you just for posting an original...but yeah, you might want to drop the cursing...anywho... :wink:

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Cricket's First Original

Cricket's First Original

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